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Author Topic: Funnies  (Read 474 times)

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thetruth

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2015, 02:28:16 am »
 
An 82-year-old man named Brian went to his doctor for his yearly check-up…

The doctor asked “Brian, how are you feeling these days” and the 82-year-old said, “things are great, and I’ve never felt better! I now have a 22-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?”
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

“Well Brian, I have a friend a little older and much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. Last year he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”
“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled ‘bang bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over immediately.”

“Now Brian, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 82-year-old replied, “logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “my point exactly.”

Clay Death

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2015, 10:16:18 am »
ha ha ha ha ha.

that was good.

Exotic One

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2015, 11:09:55 am »
Nice

Quinnqueens

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2015, 05:07:03 am »
That certainly gave me a chuckle this morning, thank you I needed that. I saw it was posted on 2-20, that was my birthday. It is a great joke and made me smile this early in the morning! Thanks and Blessings.

thetruth

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2015, 10:03:17 pm »
This is so funny and it's real too!

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thetruth

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #6 on: August 23, 2015, 10:04:28 pm »
That certainly gave me a chuckle this morning, thank you I needed that. I saw it was posted on 2-20, that was my birthday. It is a great joke and made me smile this early in the morning! Thanks and Blessings.

Thanks, I've been neglecting this thread, but anyone post their funnies here. Be blessed.

Clay Death

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #7 on: August 23, 2015, 10:23:58 pm »
This is so funny and it's real too!

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





ha ha ha. this is funny stuff.




how did I miss it.

thetruth

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2015, 12:52:34 am »
I just posted it a few hours ago.

Clay Death

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2015, 11:39:12 pm »
Redneck Joke

You might be a redneck if you let your sixteen year old daughter smoke at the dinner table...
...in front of her kids.

Clay Death

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2015, 11:40:51 pm »
Redneck Joke

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?
Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.




Redneck Joke

You might be a redneck if you can move your house with your truck.

thetruth

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #11 on: August 25, 2015, 03:15:23 am »
Redneck Joke

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?
Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

dneck Joke

You might be a redneck if you can move your house with your truck.

Ha ha ha. That's mean.

Here's another one.


21 Rules That Men Have. Number 7 Is So True.

Men's Rules:

1) Men are not mind readers.

2) Learn to work the toilet seat, you’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down.

3) Crying is blackmail.

4) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

6) Come to us with problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

8) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

9) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

10) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

11) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.

12) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we…

13) All men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

14) If ask what is wrong and you say ‘Nothing’, we act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15) If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear...

16) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

17) Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

18) You have enough clothes.

19) You have too many shoes.

20) I am in shape, round is a shape!

21) Thank you for reading this, yes I know, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight… but did you know men don’t really mind that? It’s like camping…



Clay Death

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #12 on: August 25, 2015, 10:32:09 am »
Redneck Joke

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?
Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

dneck Joke

You might be a redneck if you can move your house with your truck.

Ha ha ha. That's mean.

Here's another one.


21 Rules That Men Have. Number 7 Is So True.

Men's Rules:

1) Men are not mind readers.

2) Learn to work the toilet seat, you’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down.

3) Crying is blackmail.

4) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

6) Come to us with problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

8) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

9) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

10) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

11) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.

12) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we…

13) All men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

14) If ask what is wrong and you say ‘Nothing’, we act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15) If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear...

16) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

17) Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

18) You have enough clothes.

19) You have too many shoes.

20) I am in shape, round is a shape!

21) Thank you for reading this, yes I know, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight… but did you know men don’t really mind that? It’s like camping…




ha ha ha ha ha.



too good.


I will add some too today.

EquineAnn

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #13 on: August 25, 2015, 03:18:36 pm »
Haha!

thetruth

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2015, 07:39:54 pm »
Redneck Joke

You might be a redneck if you let your sixteen year old daughter smoke at the dinner table...
...in front of her kids.

Oh wow! That's funny.

 

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